Sitting at my dining room window, computer placed strategically so that I can look outside, I am seeing the fields in front of my home turning green, leaves beginning to sprout on the chestnut tree in my yard, tulips beginning to reach for the sun this first day after the first day of spring. It’s still cold outside. But the sky is blue and the clouds are cotton. I think spring must be a gift from God to remind us that there is hope and new life coming as the bleakness of a winter that seemed like it would not end is beginning to fade into something softer.

Thinking, as well, about my new life this morning and the conflicting emotions that still seem to rise up, unannounced, and I suddenly remember how, years ago, I would put together song playlists to burn to cd’s. I was picturing how, in trying to blend the songs, I would fade the end of one song and overlap the beginning of the next song on top of the first so that the first song would slowly fade as the overlapping song took on more volume.

Yep, that’s how I think I am viewing my life. This past Sunday would have been my 35th wedding anniversary with Cliff. He has been gone over three years, now. Monday was one tough day, I can’t lie about that. (I’m one of those who generally don’t feel the full effects of things until after the event. A blessing, I think.) So, anyway, on Sunday we got to celebrate, with a baby shower, the soon arrival of a third precious grandson who will also have Cliff’s name as his middle name. I was fully aware that day that it was no accident that March 17th was the one day that worked best for most involved for that shower. So like God. Life goes on…and on. Hope.

Sometimes I know my life seems (and feels) contradictory. How can I still grieve the loss of one husband while rejoicing in the gift of a loving, sweet, second husband? Hmm….it’s not clear to me. Life just does not fit into a tidy little box. We want to squeeze God into one, too, but He won’t go.

There are days when I must willfully choose thankfulness over bemoaning something lost. Forgiveness over harbored anger. Joy over despair. Other days these “things” just spring up like a well in my spirit and my heart is flooded. Overlapping melodies.

Today, again, my heart is kind of squeezed. Grief is a gift that keeps on giving. But I am not shattered, anymore. I just remember…my memories are an integral part of me. My whole “first life” is the makeup of who I am today. Healing and wholeness happen when we remember and acknowledge the loss while embracing the fact that the intensity of the volume of the first song is beginning to fade into the rising volume of the next. The second song carries a different and uniquely sweet melody and I am singing it out loud, as well.

Sing and welcome spring with me.

1-01 Steady My Heart

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Susan
    Mar 21, 2013 @ 13:17:24

    It was so good to read this. May is quickly approaching and while I am not shattered anymore either it is so hard. May now holds the anniversary of my mothers death, Mother’s Day, the anniversary of my divorce and the death of one of my grandparents. My dad is the only surviving parent and I am watching his mental health deteriorate. I have to fight going to see him because the days surrounding the visit involve grief of the person I knew. I am so sick of watching people die and feeling like I am alone in my grief. It is so hard and unexplainable. I watch my friends, they talk about their parents, siblings, etc and I so wish I could relate to them and fit into a family. I want to feel a part of a group and while friends may try to be there they eventually go to there family functions or celebrations and you are left alone. Some days it is too much! Hate the grief monster.



  2. Honey Goodman
    Mar 21, 2013 @ 13:29:57

    Wendy, when I saw you this week, I did not know your anniversary would have been on Monday. I sure love! Thanks for all the ways you have loved on my family this week despite your grief.



  3. Kandi L. Sprague
    Mar 21, 2013 @ 14:26:25

    You have such a gift for writing! Thank you Wendy for sharing! I love you!



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